Feeling A Little Rough: Day 20

Revising A Blind Contour I Posted Last Year During AEDM. 

I am feeling a little "rough around the edges this morning". I slept in a bit, but I am still not feeling quite right. I started drinking my morning java in hopes of feeling a little more up "to par"...but it has not really helped. My head feels foggy and I am still quite groggy. I started thinking about this self portrait that I did last year and I thought I wanted to reacquaint myself with it. It seemed to be calling to me. Do you ever have art pieces that speak to you? I try to be sensitive to that with my art therapy work and I have come to believe that sometimes when you create something it has one message for you at the time and it can later come up in your consciousness that it is wanting to tell you more about yourself...this is what is going on with this piece today. (I have included both images here, the original one that I posted last year is the first one shown and the second one is the adjustments that I did this morning while I had my conversation with the piece)


Upon opening the piece...I was struck by the fact that it really does capture how I am feeling today, but my hair is much longer now...so I probably look a bit different. If you take that away and just focus on the face and the haggard feelings that are represented there...it captures my morning very accurately. I feel drawn, tired, and like I just want to go back to bed, cuddle under the covers and watch movies all day. Those days have long gone by the wayside when I had lots of time on the weekends to just hang out with my daughter, who was young then and just have a "movie day". Sometimes I long for those days, but the committments of school have temporarily consummed most of my weekend times. Of course, my daughter is also not small and she is away on her own now going to college in Chicago. I am looking forward to her being here for the holiday season and maybe we can watch a couple of movies together like we used to. We have a holiday tradition of hot cocoa, cinnamon rolls, and watching a few favorites like Christmas Vacation and A Charlie Brown's Christmas among others. 

I ask the drawing what else it wished to share with me other than making me painfully aware of the fact that I am tired...weary...and wanting to just be done with school. She stares back at me and boldly says "You have a resolve to complete what you started, you fear not finishing, you fear failure, yet you always resolve to move forward and reach the other side". I reply to her, "You are not telling me anything that I don't already know. Why was it so important for you speak to me today? Why did you tap, tap, tap into my conscious thoughts today?" She took a minute to just stare at me...I looked deep into the images eyes...they stared blatantly back at me, almost challenging me.

After several minutes of silence had passed, her voice took on a very serious tone as she spoke, "You are allowing your weariness to take over, and it will spoil your celebration that is soon come. Rest...replenish...and know that this hill is only as high as you allow it to become. Don't allow the berating voices you carry with you from your childhood to win. You have courage, resolve and resources that will carry you through until the end. Search within, and remember that you are following the path that has been laid before you by God's hand and this truth has been revealed in many ways over the years...trust him, lean into him...seek strength from him...and keep stepping forward."

Well, I guess she told me.

My day begins, as I see this image in my head and I try and tune into the "innerspirt" of God's plan for me and I will try and remember the many ways that this art therapy path has been laid out before me. I forget sometimes the "signs" of something bigger than myself when I don't see them tangibly visible before me every day. So my image came to remind me today. Funny how that works. 

Do your images that you create ever talk to you? Have you ever tried to ask your artwork a question as simple as "Why were you created today" or "What do you want to share with me today"? Try it if you haven't...you might be surprised when the image speaks back to you. Let me know your experiences with this in the past, or if you try this after reading this post...I would love to hear about your experiences with this.

Blessings and Much Love,

D.

Reveling In The Treasures Of Simplicity

I was having some trouble sleeping last night, I have that sometimes...maybe that is just the fun process of getting older. After laying in bed for hours without being able to get to sleep, I went to the internet for some possible solutions to my dilemma and found 10 Ways To Cure Insomnia. I started using this list to evaluate if I had done my part in preparing myself for adequate and healthy sleep patterns. I have found that as I have gotten older, along with a number of other significant changes, I have noticed that it is even more important that I get an adequate amount of sleep. No longer can I run on 5 hours or less of sleep and still be at my best (I suppose even when I was younger I was not ALWAYS in top form with little sleep...but maybe now it matters more to me how I feel, and how I react to the world?).

Checking The List
As I went through the list I realized that I was doing pretty good on 1-4, and 7. In addition, 8-9 did not apply since I am single, and #10 was a little hard to maintain since I have been working full-time while being a graduate student in what is now my second master degree. So I blew 10, was that my problem? Hard to say. As far as #5 and #6 went, I found these to be the most helpful. Even though I often read before falling asleep (usually a textbook is a great resource for that), most nights I do pray, and I listen to relaxing music sometimes also. This list seemed to be great for attempting to GET to sleep, but it seemed to not provide me with what to do when I already could NOT sleep. As I reread #5 and #6, I realized that I had to stop fighting the fact that I could not sleep which was causing me to get frustrated and anxious.

Mandala To The Rescue
Once I let myself off the hook by realizing that most of the things on the 10 Ways To Cure Insomnia list I was pretty good about, I decided to take the pray, meditate, and paper suggestions of #5 and #6 to heart and I decided to start another Mandala for my Circles Of Time Mandala Series at 2:00 a.m. Well, ironically when I was done I felt peaceful, relaxed and I was ready for sleep even though it was 3:00 a.m. I have learned that being creative does not always come at the most convenient times, but I have found if I can just let it flow as it does come, it can provide the right comfort at the "right time".

Words To Live By
The free association words that I wrote along the outside of this Mandala proved to be very insightful to me. They read "The power of HUMILITY reins...RELINQUISH control and seek and you will find. Revel in the treasures of SIMPLICITY—SEEK NOT—What is not for you to find...knowingly surrender". Wow! These words really spoke to me. I wondered to myself how much of my inability to fall asleep was around trying to plan, control and otherwise foretell or imagine what my future career, school and life in general, held for me. I often find that I spend way too much time in thoughts about the future and a good amount of time dwelling in my mind about the past. I am consciously trying to remain in the present and to experience life as it unfolds with God's plan. It's hard when you are guilty of being a "Control Freak" about some things. I am definitely getting some messages about learning to relinquish that control and learning to live more simply and to question less the things that I don't really need to be concerned with. Faith...it paves the way if we listen.

We Are All In This Together
Do you suffer from difficulties getting to sleep or waking up at odd times in the night? What do you do to help yourself get to sleep or get back to sleep? Do you ever try anything creative such as creating art, playing the guitar, writing in your journal, creating poems or songs? Have these types of right brain activities helped you to quiet your left brain "analytical" processing that might be keeping you up and making you anxious or frustrated? I would love to hear your thoughts about my Mandala message, and any of your own personal stories about sleep or your lack of it. I would welcome your comments and I may even find some other ideas of how I might relax in the night for the future.

Blessings and Love,
D.